Clostridium Tetani
by MatAMMtAM
Summary: Ed and Al like to get it on. What could possibly go wrong? T because I mention man-bits a lot.
1. Prologue!

Author's note: I'm attempting to write this for mah frand Sunshine. She's Moonshinesomethingoranother. Her birthday's in… five days! So here's a prologue-like-thing for ya, Sunnyboy! LOOK, IT'S YOUR FAVORITE PAIRING. Haha, it's so short. But I already have a lot more written xD

Okay, so there was once this boy. And this other boy. And these two boys just so happened to be related. They were brothers. Intense, I know.

Well, these two boys were doing the deed one day when the elder of the two, Ed, felt a sharp pain in his MANHOOD. He shrieked like a manly man-like man and… quickly withdrew from where he was 'storing' his aforementioned manhood.

If ya catch my drift.

He noticed that his boy parts were bleeding, which wasn't normal. For him, that is. I mean, if you bleed from down there (and aren't a girl) and it's natural for you, well. Carry on with whatever you're doing even if it's detrimental to your health.

But I digress.

Al, the younger brother, noticed his distress and quickly came (hahalol.) to his rescue. He dashed to his bedroom, grabbed a medium-sized box, and clomped back into the room. You see, he had just taken a first aid class not even a week before, so he knew just what to do.

He squirted some of that foam disinfectant stuff on the boy-part-wound and then put a pretty sparkling pink band-aid on it. It had Rainbow Dash on it; Ed's favorite My Little Pony character.

Ed manned up after seeing Al's heroic display and decided to stop crying like a baby. He succeeded in doing so for about four seconds before he promptly burst back into tears. The large metal boy gathered Ed into his large metal arms and hugged him to his large metal chest. They remained there for hours upon hours. Hours turned to days turned to weeks turned to- wait. No.


	2. Stiff jaw!

Author's note: Lawl, these are so short.

They didn't sit there that whole time. They actually left after about half an hour, but for the sake of sounding romantic they hung around for around two weeks. Or exactly two weeks, really.

So let's begin there.

Ed woke up to the smell of pancakes. The smell somehow solidified into the shape of a giant arm and gently lifted him from his bed and relocated him into the kitchen. The first thing he noticed, after being lightly dropped onto his face, was his not-so-little brother in an apron prancing around the kitchen. He was INSTANTLY turned on. Instantly!

He snuck up to Al and softly breathed onto his neck. Of course, first he had to set up a chair behind him so he could reach. Al ended up not even feeling it seeing as how he's, uh, METAL and all. He did hear Ed shuffling around, though, and quickly turned around, accidentally horn-whipping his brother in the face.

Ed picked himself up off of the floor and brushed invisible dust from his shoulders and visible blood from his nose.

"Brother, no sex before breakfast! You know better!"

Ed made an 'Ohohoho~' face and vehemently grabbed a fork and plate from the silverware drawer. He thrust (hahalol.) the plate in Al's direction with an expectant look on his face. Al giggled and plopped a monstrous stack of pancakes onto the plate.

Ed blanched but sat down at the kitchen table regardless. He grabbed the syrup from the center of the table and began to pour a generous amount on his pancakes. He picked up his fork and cut off a little triangle from the corner of the pancake stack. Because a circle can have corners in my fictional story.

He lifted the fork to his lips and tried to insert it into his mouth. All that ended up accomplishing was Ed's chin being covered in syrup and mushy food.

"...Mmmf." he mmmfed. Al, who had been watching closely, made a hurt face look. Lyk dis: T__________T

He assumed that his brother didn't like them and didn't want Al to know. He thought that Ed thought he would think he's eating them if he covered his face in it. But Al knew better.

So he ran from the room crying. And probably rusting his face.

Ed looked around confusedly and made a OVO face. Like an owl. Exactly like an owl. Rather than racing after his obviously upset brother/lover, he chose to sit and figure out why he couldn't open his mouth.

He tried to move his jaw back and forth, with little success. After a few minutes of failure, he stood up from his chair and climbed onto the counter. He opened the top cupboard door.

On the top shelf there was a long glass bottle with a thin metal straw at the top. It was the expensive olive oil. He grabbed it and hopped down from the countertop. He was unable to stick his landing and landed on his face again.

Dusting himself off again, he sat back down. He contemplated the glass bottle before sticking the metal nozzle to the back of his cheek and pouring the oil for all it was worth.

Of course Al chose this time to walk back into the room sniffling sadly. Seeing his brother doing what he thought was drown out the taste of Al's pancakes, he about-faced and left again.

Removing the oil bottle from his mouth, Ed swished the liquid around his teeth. The oil helped little, but the swishing worked his jaw enough to where it could move again.

He picked his fork back up and began to eat.


	3. Tingling andor Pain!

Author's note: Even shorter than the last, AND it sucks! Wow. I'm pretty talented! (I actually have an ending in mind, but no idea how to get there. I'm graspin' at straws.)

A few days later finds Ed angrily crying into a pillow and Al sitting outside his brother's locked bedroom.

"Don't you think you're overreacting? Even just a bit? All I did was use all the hot water!" Alphonzonesha yelled, while gesticulating around wildly, even though no one was around to see.

"No! Just-… No! You've betrayed me! I'm never talking to you again! I can't believe you would do this to me…" wailed Edwardionesha. His brother had just done the worst of things. It was probably punishable by death in some countries. It was just that horrid.

"It was a simple mistake! It's just hot wa-"

"Exactly! All of the hot water is GONE! Forever! It'll never come back, Al! What were you doing in the shower anyway? You're made out of metal! You'll rust, Stupid! And now I won't be able to shower for a whole 'nother half an hour! This is unacceptable!"

Al looked around for help. No one was there to aid him in his lover's spat. He sighed and murmured, "I think you may be on your period."

Ed's super-human hearing kicked in and he heard every word his younger brother said. He jumped out of bed and kicked down the door, which harmlessly bounced off of Al's chest.

"Impossible, for I. Am. A. Man!" he –synonym for the word 'yelled'-ed. Smoke was cliché-ed-ly pouring from his ears and his face was as red as your mom. "Jeez, I was just kidding, Meanie-head! But you have been rather irritable lately. Seriously. Normal people don't get angry when someone compliments your hair, like I did earlier."

"…Shut up! You're stupid. I'm going to BED!" Al burst into tears, before accidentally punching Ed in the face. "Stop yelling at me!"

"I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU!" Ed… not-yelled. (Haha,.) He puffed up his chest and glowered at his brother, before idly reaching down and scratching his crotch. Which is a very rude thing to do in public.

Al just stared. And then asked, "Is there something wrong?" to which he got no reply. Ed had now begun to vigorously claw at the front of his pants, earning him concerned looks from his brother and the wallpaper. And the carpet. Basically everything in the vicinity was looking at him, guys. And by everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

Ed ripped off his pants dramatically. "I think there's something wrong with my –beeeeeeeeeeep-. It itches like an mf and it kinda hurts." Al grinned to himself before claiming he could help.

Of course, they ended up getting it on instead and no problems were solved. Maybe if Al had done what he had said he would, Ed's life could have been saved.

OMINOUS!

Next week on All My Child's Offspring, things take a turn for the worst as Ed finds out that he's not the father of Al's baby!


	4. Spasms!

Author's note:

This is the longest one so far! Still seems kinda awkward to me, but oh well. I'll have to have someone read this eventually and tell me if it makes sense and beta it or whatever. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUNNY. To all you people reading this, go click on reviews and find the person whose name is 'Moonshine' something something and go PM her! Tell her happy birthday! Even if you're reading this in some month other than March, go tell her that! SHE'LL BE DELIGHTED. Then PM me and tell me you did that, and I will virtually hug you. And if no one does this, I WILL PROBABLY CRY.

Heheheh, dancing thighs.

"Al, Al, Al, Al, come here! You've got to see this! It looks like my thighs are DANCING!"

Al ran to his brother, sounding like a car running over a huge pile of metal trash bins. The room where Ed was was suspiciously empty, though.

He glanced around before noticing that the craft supply closet was ajar (When is a door not a door? When it's ajar!) He inched towards the door, attempting to be quiet. All you could hear was a screeching noise coming from Al's feet and the floor. He blushed to himself, and decided to levitate to the closet instead.

Once he arrived, he gently pushed open the door only to find his naked older brother on the floor giggling and poking his thighs with a marker.

He floated forward and hovered over his brother's shoulder. On Ed's bare thighs were drawings of people in elaborate costumes, such as a queen in a ball gown, a gangstaaaaa in a pinstriped suit with a GUN, a person dressed as a bowl of fruit, and other strange things.

He QUIRKED his no-eyebrow and shrugged, producing a loud grinding noise. Ed was shocked out of his marker induced stupor and looked into Al's face. He grinned and pointed at his thighs, showing off his masterpieces.

Al started to say something, then stopped. Then he started to say something else, but stopped again. Then again. And again. He settled for patting his older brother on the head.

"Look-it! Ever since I woke up, my thighs have been… jiggling! I mean…. Not jiggling, but, like, seizing, I guess. My legs looked like the ocean! I drew people on them, and now they're dancing! It's like when those big bulky guys get naked women tattooed on their biceps and then flex to make them pose. Neat, huh?"

Now that his brother had pointed it out, Al noticed that Ed's muscles were twitching sporadically. And it did, actually, look like the little people were dancing.

Instead of being concerned, Al was entertained. He crashed down next to Ed and picked up a grey sharpie marker, beginning to draw on himself. After a while, he realized that the grey marker wasn't showing up on his grey…. Skin, and was disappointed.

He could have just grabbed a black marker, but he was too sad to do so and settled for watching his brother's nude-y thigh-people dance.

Two days later, the spasms had begun to get worse. They had spread to his back muscles, his neck muscles, and even the muscles in his abdomen! No one saw this as something bad, instead they saw it as something highly entertaining. Al even saw it as adding some spice to their sex life. Except when Ed was SOMEHOWGODDON'TASKMEHOW giving Al bjs, because sometimes a spasm would catch him off guard and he'd bite.

Usually when this happened, Al would back-hand Ed across the face.

Edwardio was now almost completely covered in tiny people. He typically walked around in nothing but a pair of shorts so as to show off his art works; most of the time, this led to Al and Ed doing the nasty.

Ed walked into the kitchen that morning to find his brother making pancakes again. He clapped happily and plopped down in one of the kitchen chairs. He was humming to himself, waiting for his breakfast, when he felt something happening in his chest area.

He quickly stood up.

Al, surprised by the noise, worriedly walked over to Ed. Ed's face had begun to turn a lovely shade of blue and his eyes were twitching.

It would appear he was having a spasm in his throat/diaphragm/lungs/whoknows! Al didn't realize that, though.

He squinted his eyes and poked Ed in the forehead. Ed just made a 'lsopsdfhsd;sdg' noise and clenched his fingers in the air. Al frowned.

"Do you really hate my pancakes so much that you are sick even at the sight of them?" He shook his head sadly and slowly trudged out of the room.

Ed had now begun to flail his arms around desperately. He cast a pleading look at his brother's retreating figure and stumbled in his direction. As soon as Al had left the room, Ed went 'GAHKLDJFLSD' and passed out.

Al came back to the kitchen twenty minutes later to find his brother still unconscious on the floor. He kicked him in the stomach, but Ed did nothing but curl around his tummster and groan.

Al immediately felt guilty. He crouched down by his brother and shook his shoulder. No response. He poked him in the side. Still nothing.

He decided that something was probably wrong and stuffed Ed into his stomach compartment then set out for the doctor's office.


	5. Doctor's Office, part one!

Author's note: This is to all mah frands on stick-aaaam- Haha, denied.

Read this to the tune of 'Colt 45' by Afroman.

DOCTOR'S OFFICE!

When Al opened his tummy-door, Ed came tumbling out. Because he was still unconscious, he couldn't brace himself against the floor and ended up bashing his face in.

Al didn't notice and just grabbed his ankle and walked towards the front desk of the waiting room. On the way, Ed's face managed to make contact with every chair and bench it could. It was almost as if Al was aiming for that… but no, of course he wasn't. Of course not.

When he got to the front desk, the nurse-assistant-lady gave him some forms to fill out and sent him to sit down. Instead of sitting, he stuck the forms in his chest and shut the door. Then opened it back up and pulled them out. THEY WERE FILLED OUT, WHOA! Just like that one show… Uh, I actually can't think of one. Use your imagination.

The nurse was shocked! She gasped and yanked the papers out of Al's hand, accidentally ripping them! She gasped! He chuckled manly-ly and gently grabbed them back! He put them into his chest again! He shut the door! He opened the door! THEY WERE FIXED! It was just like magic!

You may wonder why Al's magical healing vault didn't fix whatever was wrong with his brother. The answer is simply this: I didn't want it to.

The nurse took off her coat, under which there was a flapper dress. She jumped onto the desk and began dancing, while all the people in the waiting room broke out into song. It was a grand sight.

Ed chose that moment to begin to come to. Al noticed and grabbed him by the back of the head and hit him on the face with his chest door. Ed passed out. You see, Al was still a little bit peeved about the whole Ed-not-liking-his-pancakes thing.

Right then the doctor-door swung open, hitting Ed in the face.

"Edward Elric, the doctor will see you now." Said a creepy man with an ugly face. Oh, it was actually Rihanna! What was she doing there? That's odd. I hate that woman.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Rihanna led Al, with Ed in tow, to a back room and left, locking the door. Al thought that was odd but shrugged it off.

Not even ten minutes later, a man in a dress came into the room. He nodded to them and sat on his spin-y chair. Al nodded back.

"Hello, I am Dr. Acula (JD has a play titled that in Scrubs!) What is the problem, my friends?"

Al sighed deeply before fixing his brother into a sitting position. He sighed even DEEPER before beginning to speak. "You see, Doctor, my brother just passed out. For no reason. At all."

Dr. Acula nodded, again, and asked if he had been acting strange in the past few days. As soon as Al opened his MUG to speak, Ed woke up.

He said, "Ermmffmfflflfllele." Which roughly translates to 'Where the EF am I?' He was informed of his whereabouts.

UGH.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I MAY FINISH TOMORROW. IF NOT, THEN IT'LL BE A DAY OR TWO UNTIL YOU GET THE REST OF THIS.

Tee hee~


	6. Doctor's office, take two!

Author's note: And by two days, I mean over a month. At least I think it's been that long. Probably longer. Who knows~ This chapter is horribly short, but it's all good. I just wanna finish xD

Dr. Acula decided it would be a good idea to run some tests. You know, for things like the measles, the flu, Chlamydia, herpes. You catch my drift?

So he sent off a urine sample.

When he got it back, he was concerned. The tests said that what had been sent wasn't urine, but a strange oil-like chemical they'd never seen before. The doctor turned to Al and Ed, bent his shoulders down a wee bit, pursed his lips, and raised an eyebrow at them.

They glanced away shyly, kicking at the ground. After about ten minutes and four hundred scuff marks later, Al looked up and said in a rush, "Ed's been doin' some hardcore drugs lately, and he didn't want to get caught, so I peed in the cup for him!"

Dr. Acula shrugged and said, "Who's NOT doing hardcore drugs nowadays? I know I am. I'm just wondering, why in the world have you got urine? Or whatever that was."

"Oh you know, same old same old. All of the liquids that ever… somehow find their ways into my body all meet up in a little plastic bag in my groin area."

Ed chose that moment to speak up, "It's actually terribly convenient! Without it, I'd probably have to take some bleach to this inside of his body every three days. Not something I'm willing to do, you know?"

The doctor nodded before handing Ed a cup and sending him on his way. After he was gone, there was an awkward silence in the room. Al resumed his previous activity of digging his feet into the linoleum. He silently told himself that as soon as the results came out, they were hauling BUTT outta there, just so they didn't have to pay any damage fees.

Ed reentered the room, stumbling slightly, with a cup full of blurrr pee.

"Son, why have you got blue pee?" said Dr. Acula. Ed just saucily winked, elbowed Al, and then gestured at his Kool-aid shirt. Everyone chuckled heartily.

The sample was sent off again. This time when it returned, it carried with it some bad news.

Some VERY bad news.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE RESULTS. Is Ed pregnant? And is Al the father?


	7. moar dokter

Dr. Acula somberly closed the result folder, somberly set it on his desk, and somberly turned to the brothers/lovers.

He somberly shook his head and turned and left the room, returning shortly afterwards dressed as a mime. He began to gesture about, miming things such as hitting a nail with a hammer, doing someone, blow drying his hair, doing someone, playing the guitar, and doing someone.

No one knew what he was getting at. He became frustrated and threw his hands into the air! AND WAVED THEM LIKE HE JUST DIDN'T CARE!

And then jumped in the air and spun for all he was worth. When he landed, he was again in his doctor-dress. He took off his glasses that hadn't been there before. He looked at Ed and Al. He looked at his feet. He looked back up. A single tear rolled down his cheek.

"It pains me to say this, sirs, but… Your real results won't be in for another week."

Ed slapped himself in the face. "Then why did you go through all that darned trouble with your folder and the whole emo clown business?" The doctor looked offended.

He arrogantly began to describe what had gone down. "You see, you loser, I had been doing a particularly intense crossword puzzle before you two decided to interrupt me. I saw my chance to work on it some more when we were waiting on your results when I suddenly became stuck on a word. I came in my _own _office for help, and all I get is disrespect! And I was NOT dressed up as an 'emo clown' as you say, but as a mime! It is not at all my fault that I am the king of charades and usually grand at getting my point across. I figured it'd be easier for you two imbeciles to help if I acted out the question! BUT NO. You just had to go and be dumb about it."

Al looked dumbstruck. "You do realize that not all of what you just said fitted with your actions, right?"

"I do."

"….Er, okay. So all we have to do is come back in a week?" inquired Al.

"Why, yes! I will have your results in by then. See you guys again soon~" Dr. Acula said chipper-ly.

Ed was very confused. All of this excitement after waking up in a strange place was really getting to him. And having a doctor in a dress with crazy mood swings wasn't helping. He decided to take the easy way out and passed out on the ground again.

AND NOW I'M DONE WITH THIS CHAPTER. You may wonder why I don't just add all these short chapters together. It's simple really. I just don't feel like it. Plus, the beginning were all designated subjects, while these last few were separated into wherever I felt it would be appropriate to cut it off Which reminds me, I get out of school in two days! I'M EXCITED. I'd say this means I'll be writing more and more and more and more stories too omg this'll be so great blah blah, but then I'd be lying.


	8. Diagnosis

He came to exactly a week later, only to find himself in the same position he'd passed out into. It would appear that his brother had left him there. How rude! Dr. Acula strode into the room elegantly, twirling at the door, and bent down to eye level with Ed.

See, this was possible because he had a set of backwards knees on his ankles allowing him to bend almost completely parallel with the floor. He offered his hand to Ed, who accepted.

Once off the floor, he sat on the… long bed thing. You know, the cold metal one they always put a sheet of wax paper on. YOU KNOW.

Dr. Acula pulled a pink slip of paper from his pocket and placed it in Ed's hand. "I suggest you take this home and read it with your brother. It's not good." He… suggested. Ed gasped then ran from the room and all the way home!

Home just so happened to be over forty miles away. Upon arriving, he was greeted with the site of his not-so-little brother sobbing on the kitchen floor surrounded by what appeared to be thousands of pancake recipes.

Ed had no idea what was going on, but he realized that his brother was sad and needed to be comforted. He gently walked to his bro-ha and lay down next to him. Or lied. Or laid. Uh. Whatever.

Al just sniffled and curled up against his side. Then Ed died.

Al didn't notice, interestingly enough. He was just so used to Ed being unconscious that he was unaware!

After a few hours of lying there, Al forced himself up and picked up his brother. He decided to take advantage of his brother being 'unconscious' and put him in a dress. And added make up. And jewelry. This continued on for WEEKS. After a while, Al began to notice a smell. He would give Ed a nice sponge bath and then dress him up again.

One day, there was a knock on the door. Al opened it (with his brother at his side), only to see Dr. Acula! The doctor shuffled around awkwardly before saying quickly, "I just came to check on how you were doing. You know, mental stability and that." He glanced around and stepped into the house. He looked back at the giant metal monster and his brother and looked away, before almost immediately looking back.

"Wh-… This is a miracle! You were supposed to die WEEKS ago!" he exclaimed. Al peered around confusedly before poking himself in the chest and saying, "Me?"

The doctor vigorously shook his head and reached over and grabbed Ed by the arm. He pulled and Ed came crashing down. Out of Edwardio's clenched fist fell a little pink slip. Al bent down and unfolded it, only to read it and burst into tears.

The note, as you may have guessed, read, "Hate to break it to you, but you have tetanus! And about four hours to live."

All of the money in Al's piggy bank was used just on the doctor bill, so he had to resort to desperate measures to pay for memorial services and the like.

It first began with working at strip clubs, but that wasn't rakin' in enough dough. He had to move on to bigger and better things. Next, he became a hooker. No one was interested in getting it on with someone who looked like a car, so he had to get major corrective surgery with the money he'd earned from stripping. You'd think he'd have just used THAT money to pay for the services, but no. It wasn't enough ;(

So after becoming a BEAUTIFUL woman, Al-neesha returned to the streets. His new face and body were loved by all the men, so he quickly got enough for his brother, who had during the wait been stored in his freezer, to have a proper burial.

Aw, how sweet.

Thus ends my story. The moral of this here tale is as follows: Don't sleep with your brother if you're completely made out of metal and he's not had his shots. Otherwise, you'll have to whore yourself out on the street to pay for the funeral.

Trufax. I would know. From experience.

When asking my mom how you got tetanus just so I could be sure about this story, she said, 'Don't worry, Megan! You've already had your shots for that!' and walked away. I ended up just searching it on Google.

Contrary to how it may seem, I actually have been planning that ending from the beginning. I know it's all jumbled and nonsensical, but I couldn't quite figure out how to make it flow.

Well, so long! It'll probably be another year until I post again, just like last time OMG, IT'S NINE THIRTY TWO, WHY AREN'T I IN BED?


End file.
